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Member News - December 2004

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This newsletter is designed especially for YOU if:

In this issue:

  1. Ask Our Coaches
  2. A Brand New Perspective
  3. Long-Distance Relationships
  4. Wow = Words Of Wisdom
  5. The Miracle Of Connection Teleclass Series
  6. About Partners In Life

ASK OUR COACHES

This column answers questions submitted by our readers. Please submit your questions here and we will forward them to our coaches all over the world, and publish 3-5 answers per issue.

This Month's Question:

Dear Coaches,

“Do you have any recommendations for couples dealing with boundary issues? Specifically, my partner moved here from out of town shortly after we got together, following a very brief period of courtship. He is an extrovert, I am an introvert. I feel "violated" when he makes independent plans with my friends, reorganizes my music collection, and expects me to help him with home-remodeling tasks at his old house in his home town. He feels "violated" when I attempt to impose boundaries related to these matters. We are both male. I am losing my feeling of connection because it feels like I've been disrespected, dismissed.
Ideas?”

Thanks,
Chris

The Coaches Respond:

Dear Chris,

The problem you are experiencing is a common one when an introvert and an extravert become partners. It is exacerbated when either is particularly strong in their preference. The challenge is to learn to be conscious of the differences and to honor them.

There are multiple resources regarding personality type that could be helpful in understanding the different way your inherent boundaries and how you each "show up" in the world. And there are multiple resources that show what attracts folks to one another.

Learning to respect another's boundaries is difficult for anyone who is unaccustomed to doing so. Chances are high that your partner has no idea how his actions affect you emotionally, even when you try to tell him. Our Couples Coaches are trained to teach you a skill that gives you a way to talk to one another that will help you say what you feel and to really hear what the other is saying--to really "get it." If the two of you are committed to your relationship, I urge you to do the work together. Check out our webpage for one of our Certified Coaches who can serve as a great resource for the two of you.

Good luck.

Ken Sprang
(301) 907-3377, ext. 93
ken@bcccounseling.com
www.bcccounseling.com

Dear Chris,

My interpretation of what you say is that you had a brief courtship and now you recognize that you have less in common than you imagined. That is probably why you feel a loss of connection and why you are feeling 'disrespected" and resentful perhaps.

Boundary issues refer to our personal requirements and needs. Have an honest and light conversation about adjusting to close living. If you truly do not enjoy house renovation, say so now. Use humor to keep the conversation relaxed. Who knows.house renovation may be your partner's greatest desire. Being in a relationship is as much about allowing the other person to reveal what they require as it is about your own needs. Your friend seems to be making friends with your circle. Is there any way you could see this as a matter of pride and a blessing? If not, getting clear about your requirements with one of our couples coaches may help.

Best wishes
Caroline Minto
+39 0577 95 31 25
www.fdconsulting.com

Dear Chris,

It sounds to me that your long distance and "very brief" courtship may be part of the problem. You probably didn't have enough togetherness time to get to know and screen your partner before you fully opened your heart to him and allowed your feelings for him to grow.

Becoming truly intimate with another person means that you lower your emotional and physical boundaries so that he can grow closer to you, but at a level appropriate to your blossoming relationship. I think you've discovered by this experience that there are no shortcuts to finding love.

However, you can speed up finding Mr. Right by slowing down your rush to be with him. If you want to successfully entrust a man with your heart, then take the time up front to screen for the right man (and eliminate Mr. Wrongs) who can respect your boundaries as you grow slowly and safely closer to each other.

With that said, when you discover a boundary violation, restate your boundary to him without explaining or defending yourself. You don't owe him an explanation, nor do you have to justify why you don't want your music collection tampered with or plans made with your friends without first consulting with you.

If he tries to engage you in a discussion, continue to calmly restate your position without elaboration. If he isn't living with you, I don't see why you should spend your free time remodeling his house. If he does live with you, tally each of your household financial contributions to determine how fair it would be, for example, for you to collect rent from him while he continues to make payments on an unoccupied house. If you don't feel moved to help him remodel his house, then don't. There's no need to try to rationalize why you "should" help him remodel. If you feel you are carrying your end of the relationship, honor that feeling.

Part of setting boundaries includes respecting the boundaries you set for yourself. If you conclude that this man cannot or will not respect your boundaries, don't be afraid to value yourself enough to end the relationship.

Remember: He may be violating your boundaries, but you are the one who allows him to do so.

Marcia Augustine
770-499-8932
marcia.augustine@dairemount.com

DISCOVERING A NEW PERSPECTIVE

by JoAnn K. M. Marini,
RCI Certified Singles Coach

Recently I had the experience of seeing a significant person in my life through a new lens. First one person commented how loving this person acted and then another person made a similar comment! It gave me a brand new perspective. This type of experience is a way to re-frame one's perception. Using the tool of seeing a significant partner or significant person and even a situation through another's eye is a way to get a new picture.

Try this out with someone with whom you feel tension or on edge. Look at the person or people through another lens. Ask someone who spends time with the person how he or she sees him or her. It is a way to empty the self of the old so the new can enter. Adopt their lens and notice how much freer you are inside. Notice how letting go of the old energy - the hurt, pain, grudge and misunderstanding allows for an entire new perception! Watch what happens to you; do you soften inside, have room for more laughter? Watch how the empty space opens inside to welcome more laughs, light and joy! When you see someone through a new lens embrace your natural essence to open to a joy filled life!

JoAnn K. M. Marini MSLA
www.morethanamour.com
619-295-3609

LONG-DISTANCE RELATIONSHIPS

by Tonya Evetts Weimer
RCI Master Certified Coach for Singles

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

She was 35, he was 45, and they lived 500 miles apart in separate states. She was a school administrator, he was a sales rep, and they saw each other as often as they could. They spent one weekend a month, school holidays, and four weeks in the summer visiting each other. She complained-a lot- about how they never got to have enough time together. After five years of this arrangement, he got transferred to her city. Within two months after he arrived, they broke up.

As I watched this couple unravel, I began to notice that there are people with long distance relationships who like it that way-either consciously or unconsciously. They want a significant other in their life, but they don't want them around every day. They may moan about the distance, but in reality, they prefer this arrangement.

Sometimes, however, people meet, fall in love, and for reasons beyond their control, find it impossible to live in the same city. Economics, school, career, family obligations, and military service are some of the factors influencing people finding themselves apart when they are dying to be together. They also might meet each other on vacation or on the internet, or at a reunion, and they need time to see if the relationship is going anywhere before one of them moves. They struggle through the separation until the circumstances keeping them apart shift.

Some relationships survive a long distance and others don't. Here are some of the challenges that exist when you have an out-of-town romance:

1.. Commitment

If you have just met, take care to spend enough time to truly know each other before you get in a committed relationship. There is no substitute for face-to-face communication. You need to meet each other's friends, family, and co-workers. You need to experience good times and stressful ones.

Once you do, decide what your expectations are for your relationship. Be open and honest. How much of a commitment are you willing to give? Being clear about what you want from each other is extremely important in order to minimize misunderstandings.

2.. Trust

Once you can determine if you are both on the same level of investment in the relationship, trust and honesty become paramount to the success of your future. These elements are at the heart of all lasting unions, but distance challenges the security of your connection.

3.. Communication

Be dedicated to the way you stay in touch. Phone calls, emails, and chatting on line are important. Set up a regular time to visit with each other, building a routine. But add some surprises such as, homemade videos, collected poems put in a special book, or self-decorated greeting cards. Stretch your imagination further with a lock of your hair in a unique box; an absorbent piece of cloth with your perfume or after-shave scent; a favorite flower, pressed and framed. If the other person does not call often, make time for you, or send appropriate communications, do not hang on. Let go and get on with your life.

4.. Share

Tell your love what you are doing every day and talk about your friends. Describe them, tell their names, and share what you do with them. When your boy/girlfriend comes to town, he or she will feel more a part of the group, and not like the outsider. Make sure your old friends understand how important this new person is to you. Do not force your love to spend time with people who are not welcoming. Especially when your time is limited.

5.. Plan your reunions

Decide where to meet, how often, and how you want to spend the time when you see each other. Be very clear about what your expectations are for the time you have together. This is where many relationships break down. His idea of the perfect weekend could be sitting in front of the TV with her at his side, watching the ballgame. Hers could be attending a poetry forum, and later sharing secrets of the heart. He may expect her to cook his dinner; she may expect him to cook for her. We all have old scripts that play out in new relationships, and unless we communicate what we want from each other, this is a recipe for misunderstandings and hurt feelings.

6. Finally, decide how long you want to live apart, and set a date for the move

It is true that when one of you moves to the other one's town, you are taking a risk. However, most people say that even when it doesn't work out, at least they gave love a chance. They didn't want to spend their life wanting to be somewhere else, continuing a long distance relationship.

Tonya Evetts Weimer
tonja@tonjaweimer.com
www.tonjaweimer.com
864-294-9494

WOW = WORDS OF WISDOM

"Perfect love means to love the one through whom one became unhappy."
~Soren Kierkegaard
"To dream the person you would like your partner to be is to waste the person your partner is."
~Anonymous
"That the birds of worry and care fly about your head, this you cannot change. But that they build nests in your hair, this you can prevent."
~Chinese Proverb

THE MIRACLE OF CONNECTION TELECLASS SERIES

The gifted Hedy Schleifer will conduct a free series of three teleclasses to help promote her next "Adventures in Intimacy" workshop for couples sponsored by RCI April 2005 in Northern California.

Teleclass #1: Growing Our Passion

Wednesday, January 12, 2005 10:00am pacific/1:00pm eastern

Hedy will cover the initial "Romance" stage of relationship and how to keep the initial excitement alive over time.

Teleclass #2: Embracing Our Differences

Friday, February 11, 2005 10:00am pacific/1:00pm eastern

Hedy will cover the "Power Struggle" stage of relationship and how to use our differences to deepen intimacy and connection.

Teleclass #3: Achieving Fulfillment

Thursday, March 24, 2005 10:00am pacific/1:00pm eastern

Hedy will cover the "Conscious Relationship" stage; what it looks like and how to get there.

Register Here (it's free!)

FOR MORE INFORMATION

Visit our web site at http://www.PartnersInLife.org for:

~FREE Five-Week e-Program for Couples

~Communication Map On-Line Communication Training

~Relationship Knowledge Bank

~And much more!

IMPORTANT PARTNERSINLIFE.ORG INFORMATION

PartnersinLife.org, is a resource for couples offered by
Relationship Coaching Institute, a worldwide relationship
coaching organization dedicated to helping singles 'find the love
of your life AND the life that you love'; to helping new couples
'make a wise choice in a life partner'; and to helping any couple
'fine tune and keep their relationship healthy and fulfilling.'
For more information about us, please visit our web site at
http://wwww.partnersinlife.org

===============

Want to make sure you are making a wise choice in a life partner?
Want to make sure your relationship stays healthy?
What to give your relationship a fine-tuning?
Get a Relationship Coach!
Check out our coaches at:
http://www.partnersinlife.org/coach/

===============

NEW RELATIONSHIP? Congratulations in moving forward in your
life partner quest! WHAT NOW?

Join PARTNERSINLIFE.ORG at http://www.partnersInlife.org
for cutting-edge information and resources for couples.

You will be glad you did!
***Please share this with new couples that you care about.

===============

Are you single and tired of being alone? Get a Relationship
Coach!

Check out our coaches at: http://www.consciousdating.org/coach

===============

Are you a coach or other helping professional who works with
couples and singles? If you want to know more about adding
Relationship

Coaching tools to your professional toolbox, visit
http://www.RelationshipCoachingInstitute.com

===============

Please share this newsletter with your single and couple friends,
family, and co-workers, and you can be a partner in their
success, too!

===============

Questions or comments about this newsletter?
Contact Linda Marshall, Editor
Director of Couples Programs, Relationship Coaching Institute
Linda@RelationshipCoachingInstitute.com
http://www.RelationshipCoachingNetwork.org

To subscribe to this newsletter visit
http://www.relationshipcoachinginstitute.com/forms/subscribe.htm

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and authorship is included.

The Relationship Coaching Institute is a worldwide relationship
Coaching organization dedicated to helping singles 'find the love
of your life AND the life that you love' and helping couples
co-create fulfilling life partnerships. For more information
about us, please visit our web site at
http://www.RelationshipCoachingNetwork.org