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Member News - November 2003

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This newsletter is designed especially for YOU if:

In this issue:

  1. Ask Our Coaches
  2. Commitment: The Path to Relationship Happiness?
  3. Research Results On Commitment And Happiness
  4. Wow = Words Of Wisdom
  5. How To Eliminate The #1 Destroyer Of Relationships
  6. About Partners In Life

ASK OUR COACHES

This column answers questions submitted by our readers. Please submit your questions here and we will forward them to our coaches all over the world, and publish 3-5 answers per issue.

THIS MONTH'S QUESTION:

"My boyfriend and I have been in what I think you call a "pre-committed" relationship for about six months. We haven't been dating anyone else. And we think we are ready to become committed, but we are not ready for marriage. We are in school and can't afford an engagement ring, and we're not ready to tell our parents that we are getting serious. We want to be able to afford a ring at least. So what do you think. Do you think we're ready to become committed?"

-- Curious

THE COACHES RESPOND:

HOLLI ANSWERS:
You are right to call your relationship a pre-committed one. You're at a point in between being an exclusive couple and making an explicit formal commitment to each other.

Relationship success depends on being able to meet each other's requirements and each partner having a solid foundation in their own lives. As a coach, I would ask you and your partner to consider if you meet each other's requirements for a committed relationship.

Holli Rossi
Insight Coaching
(518) 438-0045
coachholli@earthlink.net

MIKE ANSWERS:
Hi Curious,
You're pondering some important issues around commitment. Great! I suggest taking your time and using the opportunity you have now for deep mutual discovery for both of you. Explore your childhood issues, family issues, communication and conflict resolution skills with the goal of building a strong foundation for a committed relationship. A relationship coach or counselor can help.

Question ... what is it about your relationship with your families that prevents you from sharing your joy with them? There may be issues in this area that may carry on into your future together, adding stress to the relationship. Are you comfortable that you can work that out successfully?

Good luck and congratulations!

Mike McCartney
Scottsdale, Arizona
SinglesOfFaith.com

KAREN ANSWERS:
Dear Curious,
It is wonderful to hear that you are in a relationship that is progressing toward commitment. What an exciting time! In considering the right next step for you, it would be beneficial for you to ask yourself some important questions:

Continue to ask yourself, as well as each other, many questions and determine your answers. Explore all of these areas. If you decide to become committed, you can always have some sort of pre-engagement ceremony. In the meantime, you can continue to build on your pre-committed status and ensure that you are the right ones for each other. This is the time to enjoy that exploration.

Karen Rothenberg
coach@lovelifehelp.com
917-589-4600

COMMITMENT: THE PATH TO RELATIONSHIP HAPPINESS?

Commitment: The Path To Relationship Happiness?
by David Steele

I recently realized that in more than 25 years as a counselor, therapist, and coach, I have never been able to help anyone who wasn't committed to what they wanted.

Having a strong rescuer/hero complex, for many years I tried for a 100% success rate helping couples save their marriages, taking personal responsibility for the outcome. Whenever the desired results didn't happen, I blamed my skills and methods and sought more training and techniques, and never achieved more than a 50% success rate. I felt relieved when I discovered that other helping professionals did no better.

Thinking of all the couples I tried to help, the biggest difference between those that succeeded and those that didn't, appeared to be- commitment.

"COMMITMENT COACHING?"

Discovering the pivotal role of commitment, I now seek to address level of commitment first and foremost with my clients, going so far as to say that I can't help them unless they are committed. So far, I have not had any luck helping people become more committed than they are. I'll let you know if I figure out the secrets of "Commitment Coaching." Until then, I will assume their level of commitment determines their outcome.

We seem to live in a society that values immediate gratification and happiness, and devalues commitment and sacrifice. Cohabiting couples want to be happy first, then they'll commit. No wonder the failure rate of cohabiting couples is much higher than committed couples, as well as couples that cohabit prior to marriage.

WHAT IS COMMITMENT?

Commitment is both a FACT demonstrated by behavior, and an ATTITUDE consisting of thoughts and beliefs. Saying vows and exchanging rings in front of witnesses establishes the fact of commitment, as does the behavior of staying in an unhappy relationship no matter what. A committed attitude involves thoughts and beliefs to stay in the relationship under all circumstances.

What people say and do is typically preceded by their attitude, but not always. It is common to have a difference between fact and attitude, for example, the married person who wonders "Is this relationship right for me? Do I want to stay?" As long as they stay in the relationship, they are committed in fact, if not attitude. Behavioral choices can be interpreted to reflect the core underlying commitment, regardless of what people say.

While both are important, if there is a difference, it is probably more effective to focus on what someone does more than their attitude and what they say. You can change actions and behavior much more easily than beliefs and thoughts, and "acting as-if" is a well-established technique for changing attitudes.

In my view, making a commitment to a relationship is a serious and irreversible choice, not to be taken lightly or entered into quickly, because you can never go back to the way your life was before. When you are single and dating is your opportunity to explore possibilities. When you enter a pre-committed relationship is your chance to fully compare your requirements with the reality. Ideally, you make a commitment with full consciousness and clarity that this is what you want, accepting all challenges and obstacles as part of the package.

PATH TO HAPPINESS PAVED WITH COMMITMENT?

I have found compelling evidence that the path to long-term relationship happiness requires commitment in the results of a study by Linda Waite, author of "The Case for Marriage," who found that two-thirds of unhappily married spouses who stayed married reported that their marriages were happy five years later. She coined the term "Marital Endurance Ethic;" stating that "marriages got happier not because partners resolved problems, but because they stubbornly outlasted them."

This is astounding. All by itself, the act of commitment appears to be more effective than counseling, therapy, workshops, self-help books, and even relationship coaching, in overcoming problems and creating a happy long-term relationship.

ATTITUDE, BEHAVIOR AND RESPONSIBILITY

Couples come to counseling and coaching wanting to be happy together. Chances are, they'll be happy if they just stick it out long enough, they don't need me for that. If they wish to proactively co-create their happiness together, as I mentioned at the beginning of this article, I've discovered they both must be committed and be willing to accept personal responsibility.

In working with couples I now inform them of this, and seek to immediately learn their level of commitment, their ability to accept responsibility, their attitudes toward commitment, and whether there is a difference between fact and attitude. If the"fact" is that they are in a committed relationship (e.g. married), yet their "attitude" is less than committed (e.g. "I'm not sure this is the right relationship for me" or "It's his/her fault, I'll change when s/he changes."), that is where the work must begin.

It is understandable that their unhappiness might cause couples to question their relationship, however, I share with them that I have learned that the path to happiness starts with commitment and personal responsibility. I explain that if they need results before commitment then we can't work together, as I would be doing them a disservice by wasting their time and mine, and chances are that if they do nothing other than stick it out, they'll end up happy.

Commitment is a fact simply demonstrated by the act of staying in a relationship. While "attitude precedes outcome" is true, it is also true that "all behavior is purposeful," meaning that what someone does is a better measure of the future than what they say. We can clear up a lot of confusion and "what ifs" ("What if there is an affair?" "What if they won't go to counseling?" "What if my needs aren't met?") by focusing on the "fact" of commitment as demonstrated by both partners staying in the relationship no matter what, since now, thanks to Linda Waite's research, we know that if they do so, the odds are that it will work out.

SHOULD COMMITMENT BE UNBREAKABLE?

When entering a committed relationship, the great majority of us do so with the full intention of being together for life. Ideally, breaking that commitment shouldn't be easy or quick. In my opinion, unhappiness is not a valid reason to break a commitment; it is simply an indication that there is work to be done.

If, most of the time but not all the time, commitment is the path to relationship happiness, how do we decide whether to stick it out or not? How do we know that our misery will eventually lead to happiness or not? We can't really know.

Since we can't really know the prognosis of an unhappy relationship, perhaps the following questions might help:

  1. Since unhappiness is usually related to unmet requirements and needs, can you find ways to get them met outside of the relationship while honoring your commitment? Sometimes we unrealistically expect our relationship to be everything we need, when happiness is really an "inside job."
  2. Are the children better off in or out of the situation? Often, while you might be unhappy, your children are better off with you together.
  3. What is the position of your family and friends? It is uncanny how they knew all along what we discover much later.
  4. Are you REALLY taking full responsibility? You are not if you are resentful or blaming your partner in any way. Are you giving your power away by being reactive to what your partner says and does? What about YOUR commitment? If you know that the odds are that it will work out if you stick it out long enough, can you hang in there and take personal responsibility for your outcomes? Can you focus on YOUR attitude and what YOU can and are doing?

    "Life is not what happens to us. Life is what we DO with what happens to us."
  5. Are you getting the support you need? Are you really using that support? Find a therapist, counselor, relationship coach, minister, etc, that you both trust and put yourself in their hands. Find wise and understanding friends and mentor couples that you both can relate to.
  6. Are you and the children physically and emotionally safe? Commitment is not a reason to stay in an abusive and/or unsafe situation, but this is surprisingly rare (see statistics below).
  7. What is your core underlying commitment? If you would leave because you're unhappy, your commitment is to your own happiness, not the relationship. Be honest with yourself about any differences between your commitment and your attitude, what you are saying and what you are doing.

RESEARCH RESULTS ON COMMITMENT AND HAPPINESS

Excerpted from "Does Divorce Make People Happy? Findings from a Study of Unhappy Marriages" By Linda J. Waite, Don Browning, William J. Doherty, Maggie Gallagher, Ye Luo, and Scott M. Stanley:

  1. Two-thirds of unhappily married spouses who stayed married reported that their marriages were happy five years later. In addition, the most unhappy marriages reported the most dramatic turnarounds: among those who rated their marriages as very unhappy, almost eight out of 10 who avoided divorce were happily married five years later
  2. Unhappily married adults who divorced were no happier than unhappily married adults who stayed married
  3. Unhappily married adults who divorced were no happier than unhappily married adults who stayed married
  4. Unhappy spouses who had divorced and remarried were no happier on average than those who stayed married
  5. Many happily married spouses have extended periods of marital unhappiness, often for quite serious reasons, including alcoholism, infidelity, verbal abuse, emotional neglect, depression, illness, and work reversals
  6. Unhappily married adults who divorced were no more likely to report emotional and psychological improvements than those who stayed married.
  7. Unhappy marriages are less common than unhappy spouses; three out of four unhappily married adults are married to someone who is happy with the marriage.
  8. Staying married did not typically trap unhappy spouses in violent relationships. Eighty-six percent of unhappily married adults reported no violence in their relationship (including 77 percent of unhappy spouses who later divorced or separated). Ninety-three percent of unhappy spouses who avoided divorce reported no violence in their marriage five years later.
  9. "A strong commitment to marriage as an institution, and a powerful reluctance to divorce, do not merely keep unhappily married people locked in misery together. They also help couples form happier bonds. To avoid divorce, many assume, marriages must become happier. But it is at least equally true that in order to get happier, unhappy couples or spouses must first avoid divorce. In most cases, a strong commitment to staying married not only helps couples avoid divorce, it helps more couples achieve a happier marriage."
  10. In "The Case for Marriage" Waite reports that committed couples are physically healthier, mentally and emotionally happier, have more and better sex, and are more financially successful than singles or cohabiting couples.

© 2003 by David Steele / All right reserved /
www.relationshipcoachinginstitute.com

WOW = WORDS OF WISDOM

”He who goes out of his house in search of happiness runs after a shadow.”
~Chinese Proverb
“Pleasures may come out of illusion, but happiness can only come out of reality.
~Nicholas Chamfort”

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FOR MORE INFORMATION

Visit our web site at http://www.partnersinlife.org for past issues of this newsletter, as well as useful articles for couples including:

~'Partners For Life'
http://partnersinlife.org/couple/pforlife.htm

~'Solvable Vs. Unsolvable Problems'
http://partnersinlife.org/couple/solvable-prob-c.htm

~'Top 5 Communication Tips For Couples'
http://partnersinlife.org/couple/commtips.htm

~And more!

IMPORTANT PARTNERSINLIFE.ORG INFORMATION

PartnersinLife.org, is a resource for couples offered by Relationship
Coaching Institute, a worldwide relationship coaching organization
dedicated to helping singles 'find the love of your life AND the life that
you love'; to helping new couples ‘make a wise choice in a life partner’;
and to helping any couple ‘fine tune and keep their relationship
healthy and fulfilling.’ For more information about us, please visit our
web site at http://wwww.partnersinlife.org

===============

Want to make sure you are making a wise choice in a life partner?
Want to make sure your relationship stays healthy?
What to give your relationship a fine-tuning?
Get a Relationship Coach!
Check out our coaches at:
http://www.partnersinlife.org/coach/indexc.htm

NEW RELATIONSHIP? Congratulations in moving forward in your
life partner quest! WHAT NOW?

Invest in your future with our 5-week PARTNERS IN LIFE:
A Relationship Success Program for pre-committed couples.
This program is affordable, fun, positive, enlightening, and
the best relationship insurance you can get!

FOR INFORMATION visit http://www.partnersinlife.org.

Join PARTNERSINLIFE.ORG at http://www.partnersInlife.org
for cutting-edge information and resources for couples.

You will be glad you did!
***Please share this with new couples that you care about.

===============

Want support to have a great relationship? Get a Relationship Coach!
Check out our coaches at: http://www.partnersinlife.org/coach

===============

Are you a coach or other helping professional who works with couples
and singles? If you want to know more about adding Relationship
Coaching tools to your professional toolbox, visit
http://www.RelationshipCoachingInstitute.com

===============

Please share this newsletter with your single and couple friends,
family, and co-workers, and you can be a partner in their success, too!

===============

Questions or comments about this newsletter?
Contact Linda Marshall, Editor
Director of Couples Programs, Relationship Coaching Institute
Linda@RelationshipCoachingInstitute.com
http://www.RelationshipCoachingNetwork.org

To subscribe to this newsletter, send a blank e-mail to:
LPQ-7513@autocontactor.com or visit http://lifepartnerquest.com/subscribe.htm

Copyright notice: This newsletter is copyrighted and all rights are reserved.
Feel free to share with others as long as our contact information and authorship
is included.

The Relationship Coaching Institute is a worldwide relationship
Coaching organization dedicated to helping singles 'find the love
of your life AND the life that you love' and helping couples
co-create fulfilling life partnerships. For more information about
us, please visit our web site at
http://www.RelationshipCoachingNetwork.org